The Night Before Twilight or A Twihater's Lament
by zenxander
Summary: Just a parody of the Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer. All of it, not just one book.


A/N: I don't own Twilight (of that I'm quite happy to note) and I did this for fun-NOT to offend anyone. Catch my drift, Twihards? It's just a rather long poem set to the same meter as The Night Before Christmas.

* * *

><p>'Twas the night before Twilight, and all 'round the world,<p>

Not a vampire did sparkle, not even Count Perle.

Then Stephanie Meyer came, pen clenched in hand,

And waves of sheer terror rolled through the land.

Her vampires were pretty, and chuckled with glee,

And as unvampiric as one could be.

Not a drop of human blood did they spill,

Preferring animal blood to swill.

And protagonist Bella, with mouth shut, is fine,

But once it is open she begins to whine.

Edward, who once was Cedric, doesn't mind,

But James and Victoria both find her a crime.

James, the only real vamp in the bunch,

Desperately wants to eat Bella for lunch.

Yes, truth be told, he's a bit sadistic,

But at least, for that matter, he's realistic.

The Cullen boys take care of James quick,

While Bella's fight makes her look moronic.

She gets drugged, bitten, and in put a cast,

This "golden peace" could never last.

For when book one ended, out came book two,

Turning all its readers' brains to goo.

Then the Twilight moms begin to drool

Over Jacob Black –he's just that cool

A werewolf, he is, hairy with fangs,

He fixes two bikes, Bella goes out with a bang.

She becomes delusional, wants to hear Edward's voice,

Whatever it takes, whatever the price

And it came to pass, Ed thought she was dead,

Wanted to end his "life", now off with his head.

Enter the Volturi—evil and mean

Stomping all over Edward's scene

Dakota Fanning, now with garnet eyes,

Has come along to save this franchise.

She captured poor Edward, and with Bella in tow,

Took both of them down to see Aro.

Both Bella's and Edward's hands he clutched,

And said ominously, "She knows too much.

Make her a vampire, make her like us,

Or we'll come and get you, in that you can trust."

On Bella's life the Cullens swore,

That they would do it to avoid a war.

But they lied to save Edward's hide,

And now it's simply a matter of pride.

A twist in the plot, Bella wants to change,

Now isn't that odd? Now isn't that strange?

A vampire she said she'd prefer to be

And now Meyer has published book three.

Bella and Edward are back in Forks,

She agreed to marry him, he's popping corks.

A hitch in their plans, an army's on the loose,

Newborn vampires, there can be no truce.

Victoria's back she wants revenge,

Her mate's death she had to avenge.

Alice is there with her preternatural visions,

Watching Victoria's every decision.

The blood suckers made a pact with the dogs,

They'd help each other through Victoria's fog.

There is a fight, they protect Bella,

Unfortunately, though, there's a spin-off novella.

Entitled _The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner_,

It was written in the same sad manner.

Nothing important ever occurred,

Devoid of plot—or so I have heard.

The saga begins to draw to a close,

And for the Twihards, this really blows.

The plot has gained a most sinister twist,

Vampire fans will have trouble believing this.

Now Bella is pregnant, it's all Edward's fault,

Rosalie has to hate her, just by default.

The baby is born and Bella is changed,

The process was all together strange.

The Cullens keep the baby away,

What kind of name is Renesmee anyway?

A half-breed is growing and running around,

Did they think that rumors would not abound?

The Volturi got wind of it, and saw only a threat,

The mere thought gave them a cold sweat.

They mustered an army, calling near and far,

The Volturi marched, and started a war.

The Cullens mustered an army too,

Pulling up wanderers out of the blue.

Werewolves, "vegetarians", and real vamps as well,

Protecting the baby whose name we misspell.

The movies came out, film lovers cried,

The art they so loved, had finally died.

People of Earth aren't out of the woods yet,

Stephanie's still writing, Twihards, don't fret.


End file.
